I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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