Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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