I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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