I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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