Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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