Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
