I cannot find my penis.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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