I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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