I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
