I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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