Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
