I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
