i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
