I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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