Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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