It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
