I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
