She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
