he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
