I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
