I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
