I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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