I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
