we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
