My underwear smells like fireworks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
