i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
