You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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