the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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