my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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