So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
