I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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