i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
