taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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