mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
