I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
