I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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