im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
