I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
