I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
