i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
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