that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
