My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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