if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
