i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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