Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
