I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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