You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
