Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
