Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
