It's Friday. Sex?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
