So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
