Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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