'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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