I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
