Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
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