My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
