Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize