My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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