highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
