Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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