just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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