??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize