guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
